Why google can't find our Etsy shops

It's been a rough week or so, hasn't it?  Low views, low or no sales.  Google this, zibbet that.  Search bar, dollar dinar.

I'm exhausted, and I bet you are too.

But I've figured out the reasons why google can't find us:

  • The gift guides are gone.  Yup.  All of the links from google were somehow connected through the gift guides.  So for all of you who campaigned to get them taken off, thanks a freaking lot.

  • The folks at google were getting their queues for code from rokali's tweets.  They're all fucking confused now.

  • The board at google is so anti-smoking they can't support our new search bar.  They want to bury this site before it influences any of the youth to light up

  • Google's new 'caffeine' ranks sites with better pictures higher.  So yes, it is your fault that we're not being found because of crap photos.  Again, thanks.

  • It's bomobob's fault.  Don't ask he how or why.  Just trust me.  It somehow is.  (but not you elgarbo)

  • rokali is too busy filming his new reality show 'I'm a handmade celebrity, get me outta here.'  He's been sent to Staten Island to fend for himself.  Pray for his safe return.

  • Staying true to 'spring renewal' themes, google wants to keep more 'positive' sites higher in the searches.  We were all getting far too negative and google has penalized us.  So to all the positive thinkers out there, you should've been doing a better job and this wouldn't have happened.  What?  That's more negativity?  Um, okay, how about 'I'm positive if you'd been doing a better job this wouldn't have happened.'

  • It's the snowball effect. The snow was so high in many parts of the country this winter it has frozen some programmer's balls and they're out sick.  They can't keep up with googles changes due to their infirmity.  Send hot water bottle cozies immediately to rectify the problem.

  • Etsy's focus is on handmade, and this extends even to their coding.  They were blindsided when craft glue and popsicle sticks couldn't build a bridge between our shops and google.  

Etsy is like the border and illegal immigration problem

It's gotten so big, any fix is too traumatic and too expensive to implement.

So we are left doing things bit by bit, unable to keep up with the exponential growth of the issues we're trying to rectify.

And you have Kalin, and I'm not sure which role he plays.  Is he the president of the US?  Trying to make everyone happy and in reality not really doing anything?  Or is he the head of Mexico?  Thinking all the issues are just how it's always going to be?  Is he a drug kingpin?  Living off the spoils of the open border?

I'm just not sure.

What I do know is that at least immigration gives us great things like Tex-Mex and more soccer on television.  I'm not sure what the hell Etsy is giving anymore.  Just doing the taking as far as I can see.

I snagged TWO Etsy treasuries yesterday!

I am not a regular treasury curator.  I just don't even think of doing it.  On the rare occasions I do they are never about to open and I don't keep track of when they will.  Low and behold yesterday I was warned just moments before both the main Treasury and Treasury West opened.  So here are my two on the spot treasuries.  Hope you enjoy them!

Can't decide on what season it is in Raleigh

Hot then cold, then cold, then hot.  It's springtime!

Took this photo and liked it.  Thought I'd share :)

Zibbet here I come?

So I opened a new shop on Zibbet.  Apparently they need a new server so I can't list new items there just yet.  I got up to about 5 and then decided it was taking so long I should just wait until they're ready for me (yeah right, no one's ever ready for me).

But as those of you who know me personally can attest, I like things to be efficient and effective.  I cannot stand organizational disarray.  And I think my current venue has a lot of that going on.

So as I am only loyal to Manchester United, I am taking SOME of my business elsewhere.  Nope, I'm not closing down and saying fuck off to anyone.  This is just business.  Flouncing won't benefit me in any way, so why would I do that?  But setting up shop elsewhere may be a good move.  I'm going to give it a shot.

My new venue address is http://www.zibbet.com/knotworkshop

My etsy shop http://knotworkshop.etsy.com will still be in existence as always.  But you may see me spending some more time updating the zibbet site in the next week or so.  I want to get a decent inventory loaded into that shop and see where it takes me.

I always did love Australians.  :)

Blog giveaway for one of my apple cozies!

I have been very lucky for a lovely blogger to allow me to host a giveaway on her site.  Please visit to enter for your chance to win!

jdavissquared  is the blog.

Please take a look.  Who knows, maybe your apples will be much cleaner in the near future. :)

I was outside taking pics of items yesterday

And I took this photo which I quite like.

Saintly jewelry for not necessarily saintly people

Today's 'You B-Etsy' featurette is Beebeebee.  Her shop is filled with amazing jewelry based on rosary designs.  But it's accessible to both the guilt ridden Catholic and heathen alike.  Her work would make a great gift for any nun you know, or for the hooker on the corner who needs some shiny stuff to make men look at her boobs.

Please visit Beebeebee's shop and get sanctified with swarovski.

Top 20 Reasons You're Not Selling- Spring Update Edition

Are sales dead for you too? Views down? Watching your shop like watching paint dry? 

(If you answered no to any of these questions, please leave this thread now. We don't want any of your 'business is booming' comments here)

Why are there only 20? Well, many of the other list still apply. These are just the updates. 

Remember the old instructions: Print out this list, cut it up and put the slips of paper in a jar. Each day where you wonder why you aren't selling, pull one out and read it. There's your answer.

1) Healthcare. Everyone's now saving to buy a policy or pay the fine for not having one. They've got no money to spend on Etsy.

2) Allergies. It's spring time. People are sick. They've sneezed all over their keyboards, shorting them out. Can't navigate the internet. This could also be a reason why they didn't pay after buying. Keyboard shorted out on the way to paypal. Sorry.

3) Spring break. Why would anyone want to buy your wool socks when they're dancing naked on the beach in Cancun right now? Wool can chafe. 

4) Vacations. Warm weather means vacation season starts. This is related to the reason listed above but applies to all the other demographics besides hot young college students.

5) You're still not on the front page.

6) You're still not in Etsy finds.

7) They still haven't brought back the gift guides.

8) As your reunion last month proved, people in high school still don't like you.

9) And why should Etsy be any different?

10) You're not a man with a hot avatar. Go get a sex change and come back with a pic of yourself wearing a hat. Bob's your uncle.

11) There are too many shops on Etsy now. The press Etsy has gotten lately has only made this worse. How can people find your crap under the pile of other people's crap that's been dumped on top of it?

12) Resellers. Yeah, they're still here. And I don't think they're going anywhere. Might as well just rename your shop alibabasupplies and get it over with

13) Undercutters. Yup. They're still here too. In fact, it's gotten worse. What with the slow sales and the economy, people are dropping prices left and right when they already weren't paying themselves minimum wage. *virtually kicking their asses right now*... I feel better now.

14) Site Search (sponsored by Philip Morris) sucks.

15) This new grey color really doesn't go with the colors in your shop. Your items clash with it. You've got no chance. Best to start making grey inventory stat.

16) No tagline. With no tagline no one knows what the hell to look for on Etsy. Would you patronize a business without a tagline? Who would go to McDonald's if you couldn't have it your way? I wouldn't. Wait, is that Burger King? Whatever.

17) Etsy Europe. Everyone knows people with accents sound cooler. If you're just a plain old American you've got no chance now.

18) Etsy is an American site. Who cares if you've got a cool accent? We read everything you say anyway!

19) The Olympics are over. All that awesome stuff that was infringing on the IOC copyrights and trademarks is no longer hot. Better start making illegal World Cup stuff now.

20) You're being too negative. Shove a funfetti cupcake up your bum so you can start literally crapping rainbows.


KnotWire- my new shop and obsession

KnotWire  Please check it out. :)

Listed my first three items today:

Metal head (with crochet)

I've felt a creative block lately.  I just feel like everything's already been done.  Even if I haven't seen it, someone else has probably done it.  I still LOVE to crochet and LOVE yarn.  But I just wanted to branch out and didn't know how or where to do so.

Today as my husband ran into the pet store to get turtle food I ran into JoAnn's.  It's just next door.  I had to do it.  I picked up some buttons for my usual inventory (mug cozies, apple cozies, etc).  I got some more felt and embroidery thread.  Then I wound up near the beads and stuff.  I always tend to look there out of curiosity more than anything as I don't bead.

But I decided to pick up some craft wire as I had heard a couple of times about crocheting with wire.

I think my creative block is now over. :)  I just ordered a pack of a ton of different colors. We'll see how it goes.  My first creation is so cute!  I love it!  There will be more to come.  

I've included an Etsy glossary in my book

Here's a few terms included:

blogspot: a medical term for the area which brings women intense sexual pleasure 
wordpress: machine at the gym which strengthens your vocabulary
rokali: a greek dish with eggplant and tomato

Only just getting into Chapter 2

But here's an excerpt:

So everything was falling into place.  I was going to be a hooker.  My grandmother had always told me that if she had her life to do over she would've had no children and been a stripper.  I figured doing a craft called 'hooking' was close enough to living her dream.  Thanks for the support Gram.

But where oh where was I going to sell myself?  I can't commute to Times Square.  And as I don't like to fly Amsterdam is out.  Luckily a friend suggested Etsy.  I had never heard of it.  I'd never been a buyer.  I didn't even know how to pronounce it.  Eetsy beetsy spider?  Etsy breaky heart?  Chesty B-Etsy?  Yes, that one sounds right.   (B)Etsy.

I finished a rough draft of Chapter 1 tonight

Here is a taste:

Now when I say having sex for money would’ve been a better business plan, I suppose my only evidence is that prostitution has a built in five year plan.  Year 1: Sleep with people for money  Year 2: Sleep with more people for money.  Year 3: Sleep with people for money, and maybe some animals if that will fetch a higher price.  Year 4: You guessed it, sleep with people for money.  Year 5: Become a madame.
I entered the fray of self employed business owner with no plan. I figured I’d make some shit and someone out there would want to give me their money for it.  It was sort of like the Underpants Gnome three point plan in an episode of South Park.  It went something like this:
  1. Collect underpants
  2. ?
  3. Profit
Yeah, my plan was about as well thought out as that.  I would make shit. Then something else would happen.  Then I’d be rich beyond my wildest dreams and write letters to all my former employers telling them to stick it where the sun don’t shine.  Awesome! 

I wrote the foreward and brief outline for my book tonight

I think I might actually go through with like writing something this time dudes.

The title is now officially:

'This S**t Is Hard Yo: Tales of a Handmade Whore'
The chapter titles thus far are:
I. Hooking professionally
II. How many Etsians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
III.  This must be what it feels like to be a porn addict
IV.  Death by farmer's market
V. Sometimes I wish I had a pimp

Happy St. Patrick's Day Eve!

Check out this uh-may-zing treasury I'm in!

Really great bling

I'm going to start a new feature called 'You B-Etsy'.  It will concern those artisans on Etsy who I have great admiration for- either personally, for their work, or perchance both.  Today's featurette is Holly from fivelittlegems.  She gave me the name 'You B-Etsy' in relation to something else and as I'm going to exploit it here, I feel she deserves to be featured first.  Of course her work is also completely and utterly nauseatingly gorgeous.  Oh, if only I made stuff like this I bet my mom would actually buy something from me!

Please check out her shop and see her work.  If you like it, please buy it so she can keep running her own business and visiting facebook during the day.

Shameless self promotion of my turquoise and red bag

I just LOVE this bag.  I REALLY WANT TO KEEP IT! My adoration of this item has led me here- the last place I can share it where I haven't already.  Doesn't this bag freaking rock???

State Farmer's Market in Raleigh Spring Craft Show Day 3

It's over.  Tired.  Exhausted.  Worn. Out.

Three day shows are tough, especially outdoor ones.  When the weather is cold and windy it just sucks the life out of you.

But overall it was a good show.  Will go back again this fall. :)

Thanks Monica for all of your hard work.

Thanks to all of my lovely customers.

And to that guy who despises profanity so much he backed away from my table like Superman would to kryptonite, I do apologize that you were born without a sense of humor.  It's a terrible ailment to suffer, and if there's a charity to help people like you I'd like to make a donation.

State Farmer's Market in Raleigh Spring Craft Show Day 2

Oh the day was much better.  The weather was better.  The rain was gone.  The sun even came out for a bit.  There was a large crowd although not a very buying crowd really.  But overall I did okay.  I covered my table cost for the whole three day event and that's always a good thing.  Therefore I will go into tomorrow with less pressure and the knowledge that all sales will simply be money in my pocket (or food on the table as it were :)).

The highlight of the day was the nice people I met including Julia of The Playful Needle and Vintage Ties, Christy of Fallen Cherub , and Barbara from Gifts with a Heart.  I think many folks who are on the craft show bandwagon will tell you that regardless of how much or how little you sell, you're always a bit richer after a show because of the interactions you've had with great people.  You're of course a little poorer after being berated for having your prices too high, or because some of your inventory got ruined when that little kid with the ice cream cone dropped it on your show piece.  Alas, the trials and tribulations of being 'at the show.'

State Farmer's Market in Raleigh Spring Craft Show Day 1

This was one of those days where you feel like quitting.  It was one of those days where you start wondering 'does anyone really want what I sell?'

It was cold.  It was rainy.  95% of the crowd were senior citizens who frankly aren't likely to want my 'Fuck Off' mug cozy.

I am tired.  I am defeated.  And I have to go back tomorrow.  :(

On the upside I thought my spring set up looked pretty neat.  It won't look like this for shows where I need a canopy.  But I think it came out okay.  What do you think?

The craft show necessities the others won't tell you about...

You'll find tons of useful information within the Etsy forums about the things you need should you decide to make the plunge and sell at a craft show.

I thought I would present my list of necessary items which many of the other lists won't reveal. I myself have a three day show starting tomorrow and have checked off all these things and loaded them into my car to leave bright and early tomorrow.

-Thick skin (color is optional, but the thicker the better)

-Flask (contents at the discretion of the artist)

-Sunglasses (so grouchy customers don't see you rolling your eyes at them)

-Muzzle (real or imaginary. I endorse the profanity filter model)

-Cool head (pretty sure there's an etsy shop that sells these. I had to get the deluxe model as I'm Italian. At a show last year when an entire group of ladies blocked my entire display talking about how they were going to go home and crochet all my items themselves it really came in handy)

-Adult undergarments (for when you mess your pants when you see someone with similar items to yours selling for half what yours are priced at)

-Kettle corn blinders (two reasons- so you don't spend all your profits on it, and so your butt doesn't grow bigger while sitting on your butt all day [especially important at slow shows where you have nothing to do but whine about how slow it is and feel it necessary to drown your sorrows in crunchy, sweet and salty goodies])

-Note to self (you'll probably need at least 12 of these for things like "don't do this show again next year", "make more denture cozies as they sold really well" or "start selling Cookie Lee so you can actually make some money stupid!"

-Piece of mind (you'll need this after you lose yours during extremely busy shows)

-Drool bucket (to keep your inventory and lap dry during extremely slow shows)

Anyone have any others to add?

So Manchester United advanced into the next round

of the Champions League.

It was a great performance.

Alas, the most memorable image for me from the match is of a man who no longer plays for us.

Oh lariat, oh lariat

how lovely are your circles.

You are so long,

you are so cool.

So much brighter than a jewel.

Oh lariat, oh lariat,

how lovely are your circles.

Positive versus Negative

Eliminate the negative and the debate is over.

See, positive and negative are two real choices. It's like saying do you want an apple or a piece of cake?

If we have apple versus cake there will be a ton of people on the apple side and a ton of people on the cake side.

But In this battle there can be no real choice because positive is the only solution. 

So the 'choice' must only be between an apple or say a pear. They're both pieces of fruit. Catch my meaning?

For most of us, in the battle between apple and pear, we'll just go to whichever one is closest. There isn't really a dilemma.

For those who aren't following:

cake = negativity

fruit= positivity

negativity= poor environment, bad rep, low sales

positivity= positive environment, good rep, high sales

Therefore fruit=sales. 

Being fruity gets you more sales.

I hope that helps everyone.

Business is not negative!

Let's all take a moment out of our busy days and ponder this. It is crucial we come to some sort of consensus and it will be much easier if you see the reasoning presented here and commit to it without a struggle.

The business forum is getting far too negative. I know many people have been saying that, and they have often gotten dismissed with a swift backhand. But honestly folks, the negativity here threatens our business reputation, the reputation of Etsy, and in a greater sense- our entire way of life.

I understand that seems dramatic. And it is. But that's because this is so very important.

Consider this list of negative events in life: war, disease, deprivation, death... I could go on.

These days I think we could add 'etsy forums' to that list and not be completely out of line. I know when I think of massive deprivation I think of Etsy. And that says a lot.

We need the reputation of this site to remain intact. There are 6 million visitors to etsy each month and hundreds of those visit the forums. Probably tens of those would choose not to buy from shops here because of the rampant negativity so many are spewing.

And while that number may not seem large, we need that it to be at zero. In fact, we should strive for it to be a negative number, meaning that folks come to the forums and only see pictures of puppies and kittens frolicking in the fields. This overwhelming sense of positivity will encourage them to buy something simply to support the cute and cuddly environment of Etsy.

I know I'll probably get criticized by some for this post. That is only more evidence of the negativity of this site. Disagreeing with someone in a rational and logical way is negative. Just agree with me, give me a verbal pat on the back, and if you feel so compelled, convo me a pic of a basket full of baby chicks. We will both be more positive and that will bring more visitors to Etsy, more sales for us, and more money in our pocket to go on that 'quest for rainbows' road trip we've all wanted to take.


I love Manchester United

and often people are like, 'uh, who?'

'Manchester United' I say. 'You know, the soccer team?'

'Oooh. You like soccer? Why?'

So I've decided today to talk about why soccer is the coolest thing since microwave popcorn. Or why football is the coolest thing since the Queen's arse (British version).

Football is a lot like life. You are constantly trying to get around obstacles to achieve your goal. Other sports have this, such as American football and hockey to name a few. So why is football different?

(note any reference to 'football' shall hencewithtoforth mean 'soccer')

First of all, in football you don't get any breaks. In American football there are so many breaks they can stretch a game to last four hours. Not so in football. The game starts and for 45 minutes or so it is non-stop. You don't get breaks in life either. You are the only player in your position and so you cannot hang out on the sidelines. You can't hang out on the sidelines of life. Well, I suppose you can but only if you become a Senator, Congressman, or President of the United States.

Second of all, you aren't wearing any protection. In hockey and American football you have loads of pads on which are there to lessen the impact of the sport. Football doesn't have this. You are as vulnerable in that sport as you are walking down the street. Sure you may have shin guards on, but often that is the last place the real pain is coming from. Remember Zidane headbutting his opponent in the World Cup? Yeah, he didn't aim for the shins. And in real life, people don't aim for your shins either. Why do we have the phrase 'go for the jugular?' It's because it sounds getter than 'go for the shins.'

Third of all, people are kicking balls. Hockey doesn't even have a ball. Sure, in American football people occasionally kick balls. But that is infrequent and it's one swift kick- kind of like ripping off a band aid. In soccer, kicking balls is relentless. This is like life. There is always someone out there trying to get at your balls and give them a relentless kicking. I don't know why this is the case but I have found it to be true.

Last, in football traditionally there is no one final game like the SuperBowl which determines the champion. There's no best of seven like in hockey or even baseball. The winner is determined by who has done the best over the course of the entire season and earned the most points. Again, I think this is a great metaphor for life. There is no final exam. Your whole life is one big test. I'm still looking for the cliff notes for it. They don't exist as far as I know.

So to sum up- Football is cool because it's just like life:
1) non-stop action
2) all out physicality
3) lots of kicking balls (if it works for America's funniest home videos, why not a sport?)
4) success over the long haul gets the crown

And there are men who look like this on my team:

How do you know you've 'made it' on Etsy?

What is the measure of success? Many of us wonder this. We ponder it in our lives, with our families, with our shops. How do you know you've 'made it'?

Well thank your lucky stars that I'm here because I'm going to reveal the answer to one of those timeless questions- How do you know you've really made it on Etsy? I'm not going to claim that I'm successful just because I may meet some of these criteria. And I certainly won't claim that you're successful either. But we all need goals to keep going, things to shoot for if you will. I've compiled those here.

1) You are on a first name basis with Etsy admin (hey Rob. HeyMichelle). See, we're tight because not only do I know their first names, I get to call them that.

2) People no longer just refer to you by your whole shop name, but by a shortened, cooler version. I'm no longer 'knotworkshop'. I'm 'knot'. It's sort of like Cher or Bono. We are so uniquely awesome we can only be known by a single syllable because anything longer would detract from our success. If your shop name is already one syllable, maybe get your friends to start calling you by the first letter so you seem 'cooler'.

3) You throw around terms like SEO or B&M, maybe even IRS. And not only do you know what these letters stand for, you know their real meanings. SEO doesn't stand for 'seriously etsy, owls?'. Oh no, to those who are successful, it means something much more horrifying. If you don't know what these or similar terms mean, have no fear. It will come in time, along with your success.

4) You make lots of lists in your forum posts. You're successful. And anyone who disagrees with those lists or questions why you're making so many, well, they probably aren't. Remember that.

5) Your number of sales is more than 0. Yes, I know in a world where valedictorians no longer exist, and every kid gets a trophy, nobody wants to hear that 0 sales isn't successful. But it isn't. Truth hurts, eh? Don't worry though, we've all been there. Everyone started with 0. Some of us are now at 1, 2, 10, 1000. We're successful. Aim to be like us. Don't hate on the number. It could show 000 instead of just one little 0. Or Etsy could start having a 'spleen' count in addition to a 'heart' count for those who specifically dislike your shop. So remember that it could be worse.

6) Your sales have slowed down. This may seem counterintuitive. After all, how could a success have slow sales? Well, you had to have sales for them to slow down. You probably even had a decent number of sales in quick succession for you to even be aware of a slow down. It's the yin and yang of things. Could we have freedom without tyranny? Black without white? Business without Etc.? Negative without Positive? Admin without asshat? I don't think so.

7) People question your motives in everything you do. Wait, you're here on the forum because you want to sell things? You don't just want to be my friend and tell me how great I am all the time? Hmm, suspicious. See, they probably wouldn't question you if you were a failure. They'd just ignore you. But people are drawn to success like a moth to moth food. So if people are pointing things out like 'this thread is simply self-promotion' or even the cherished, 'you've photoshopped my item and are selling it as your own' take it as proof of your success.

8) Your threads routinely get moved to Etc. Yes, you would think only failures get banished to the basement. But no, not in this case. Etsy doesn't want to make new shop owners feel intimidated by the donald trump of handmade treasures (that's you). Your success might frighten off others because they feel 'how can I dominate the asshat market when so and so already clearly has?' So if your advice gets moved, think of it as a pat on the back from the powers that be.

I think I'll conclude by saying these are certainly not the only measures of success on Etsy. I would suppose your accountant may have some advice too.

But sometimes things aren't as simple as numbers on a page. They are much darker and more convoluted and need to be figured out by someone such as knot (number 9 is 'you refer to yourself in the third person either because you're so successful you're in awe of yourself, or you have so many assistants that have access to your etsy account, they routinely forget to masquerade as you').

If you read this list and think 'hey, thanks! I now know I'm a success!' then my work here is done. If you read it and think, 'oh no, I'm a dismal failure' well, you have a list of goals now, right? One day you too can look at others and say 'dismal failure'. Until then, just practice by looking in the mirror while repeating it.


Top 30 Reasons You're Not Selling

I figured I'd list 30 so we'd almost always have one to blame for each new day of the month. If there are 31 days in any given month, just cycle back to number 1.

How to use this list:
Print it out. Cut each number up onto its own little slip of paper. Put them in a jar. Each day when you're wondering why you haven't sold anything, pull a slip of paper out and get your answer.

1) George W. Bush. Yup. Everything's his fault.

2) Barack Obama. Freaking socialist. Screwing up all this wonderful capitalism on Etsy.

3) The economy. Seriously people. Look around. Nobody has a job. Nobody has money. Why do they want your stuff when you have the nerve to charge them money for it in these tough times?

4) Relevancy- need I say more?

5) Recency- need I say more?

6) Resellers. Why would people buy my stuff on Etsy when they can buy Target's products here too? I mean seriously, what do I have that can compete with stuff from Target? It's so much easier for people to buy those things on Etsy than it is to just drive to their local Target.

7) Undercutters. Yes undercutters. I mean you. Everyone has their own reasons for naming a price. But I haven't seen William Shatner here so I'm pretty fricking sure this ain't Priceline. If you want to sell something that took you 22 hours to make for $10, you and I are going to have a problem. I'll meet you outside after school after the bell rings. Alone.

8) The weather. If it's hot, they don't want your stuff. If it's cold, they don't want it either. So strap yourselves in because whatever the season people ain't buyin what you're sellin.

9) Your prices are too high. You think folks want to pay $50 for some yarn tied in a bunch of knots? I don't care if it looks like a hat. It's a bunch of yarn. In knots.

10) Your prices are too low. Hmm. That item looks like a lot of work. Why are you only charging me $5 for it? Oh, probably because you live in a crack house and have swine flu. Yeah, I don't trust it. I'm going to go buy it from someone who will charge me $20 for the same exact thing.

11) People are stupid.

12) The internet is broken. Yes. The whole internet. Call Al Gore. I heard he can fix it.

13) You're never on the front page.

14) You're never in gift guides.

15) You're never a featured seller.

16) You're never in Etsy finds.

17) No one liked you in high school.

18) They don't like you here either.

19) People need to see your items in person to appreciate them. Okay, maybe not that underwear made out of cream corn, but you know what I'm saying.

20) You have your items on a gasp, real person, in your listing photos. I mean, come on. That necklace was completely sterile and free of all bacteria until you let it touch that ugh, HUMAN! Now it's no good. Sorry. Game over.

21) You are not showing your items on a human. How can I tell if those panties will look good on me when the mannequin doesn't have a spotty arse like mine? It's false advertising.

22) Your photos are too dark. Yes, yes, I know you're selling a lamp that glows in the dark. But still, your photos are just way too dark dude.

23) You need more items in your shop. Would you keep going back to Home Depot if they only had six flashlights and a pile of shingles in stock? I thought not.

24) You have too many items in your shop. I mean really, those huge stores like Walmart with tons and tons of items in tons and tons of different categories are never going to be successful. Nobody looks past the first five aisles. Oh, uh, wait...

25) Your items are aimed at too narrow of a market. I'm sure if there were more professional football players from Tasmania shopping on Etsy your tasmanian football helmets would be doing much, much better. Honest.

26) You have to go find your target market. No, I'm not going to tell you who they are or how you'll recognize them, but trust me, you have to find them. And fast.

27) Don't rely on Etsy to make your shop successful. I mean, I know we're on Etsy, and we pay money to Etsy and are here because it's well, Etsy. But yeah, don't count on them for a thing. If anything, pretend like they're working against you. You'll be better off.

28) It's a slow time of year. Maybe not for everyone else, but for you, that's the time of year it is.

29) You haven't built up enough momentum. So take all your inventory in your arms, put it in a shopping cart and send it down a hill to get some momentum going. Report back in the forums after the sales start rolling in.

30) You're not in the US. Just because people in your own country wouldn't buy it, doesn't mean that Americans are dumb enough to (hard to believe, I know).


Customer Service is not the most important aspect of your business

You hear the term 'customer service' often. In every business, people focus on the customers and their needs. Today I'm going to give you some revolutionary advice on customer service.

The customers are not the most important factor in your business. There. I said it.

Contrary to the well known saying, the customer is not always right. After numerous dealings with customers from all walks of life, I've noticed something that all the complainers and non-payers have in common: They are not good customers. Sometimes complaints will be FALSE.

Consequently, the most important factor in your business is you. If you didn't exist, there'd be no product, no business, and therefore, no customers. Therefore, you need to service yourself first.

Focus on yourself. Make yourself feel good. Thank yourself for doing a good job. Give yourself long lunches and ample vacation time.

When a customer asks, "Why haven't I received my item which I ordered three weeks ago?" You simply respond, "I needed some 'me' time. You can't spell 'item' without 'me' backwards."

If they get irate just say, "Listen. I want to give you great customer service. It's just that I'm more important than you as I am the brains behind the operation."

Further, as the most important factor in your business- make sure you pay yourself enough. Price your items for exactly what you want to earn. You want to earn a million dollars a year? Well, price one of your items at a million dollars. That way, if only that one item sells you've met your goal.

If people start to complain about your prices being too high just remind them that you can't put a price on talent. But were it to have a price it would obviously be very, very high.

For Etsians specifically, I recommend going to the critiques forum and requesting one for your shop. Then post your own critique of your shop. After all, we are usually our own harshest critic. And whose opinion matters more than your own since you are the most important factor in your business? People may accuse you of being silly or having multiple personalities. But that's just because they haven't read my advice and trust me, will be worse off for it.

What do 'your brand', 'your product' and 'your business' have in common? That's right. 'Your'. And drop the 'r' and you're left with 'you'. That's you. You are the thread which weaves all the awesomeness together.

So treat yourself right. Put yourself first. Service yourself often when alone or in public. It could be the key to your success.


Colors- A Rant

I have been thinking this for awhile, but didn't feel right posting it. But I feel I cannot keep quiet any longer because I truly care about the Etsy community and want as many shops as possible to be successful.

Let's talk colors. If you have too many colors in your shop you are going to turn off buyers.

Let me break it down to you like this-

People get confused when they see too many colors. Picture it like a kaleidoscope. Sure, people look at them and enjoy the lovely little pictures, but how many people actually buy them? Is there any need? Do you want to look at one all the time? No. And why? Too many colors.

In fact, those of us in the know encourage the use of only black and white. That way your shop is open to interpretation to buyers. They can imagine their own favorite color on your item and it will result in a more successful shopping experience for all. If someone wants a blue item, they can see blue. If they want a red item, they can see red. If you have actual color, like a pink item, you will turn away all the folks looking for red or blue items. You don't want to do that, right? Don't offend the taste of your buyers!

Plus, if you have colors you are creating an atmosphere where dogs and those who are color blind are not able to see your items properly. I don't know how many dogs shop on Etsy, but if one does, do you want them to ignore your shop? And if your shop is confusing to those who are color blind, that's bordering on discrimination.

And before you get all high and mighty about your love of color, simmer down and trust me. I have a background in biology and know how light is refracted into colors, and did my thesis on the human eye and how it responds better to shades of grey.

Please, don't be offended by this. I'm only trying to help. Go black and white and tell me how much more succesful you are afterwards.


Oddly enough, this thread was moved to Etc, but the 'Fonts- a rant' thread is still in Business. Discrimination Etsy? Oh yes, I think so.

Please be PROFESSIONAL when posting in the Etsy forum


So you don't want to say anything which may turn off potential buyers.

My top tips for behaving professionally in the forum-

1) Don't be yourself. Frankly who you are just isn't good enough. The lampshade on the head act you pull at family parties is a non starter for a professional setting. You must pretend to be a good, kind, moral being whenever posting. If not, you may get labeled with such undesirable terms as 'bully' or a 'waste of pixels.' That can spell disaster for your shop.

2) Pat others on the back relentlessly. No one likes a forumista who doesn't congratulate others on milestones like, 'I just listed my 5th item' or 'I finally got on the list for a heart transplant.' Even if you don't mean it, you're expected to say it. So smear your teeth with some vaseline and get glad handing.

3) Be sure to read the forum TOU carefully. What are the TOU you say? I don't know. I've never read them. But suffice to say people will refer to them on a regular basis on threads ranging from 'spotted another reseller' to 'what color should my font be for best sales?'

4) Don't have a sense of humor. I know this is hard for some, myself included. But trust me, there are many people who won't know you are joking. I can't tell you how many folks I offended with the 'your shop looks like crap' critique thread I started (don't look for it. admin removed it for fear of lawsuits). So best to be straightforward as possible. If Oprah wouldn't joke about, neither should you.

5)Make sure you're clothed while using the Etsy forum. I don't know which sites you're frequenting before you visit Etsy or after. That's your personal business. Don't ask, don't tell as they say. But you will present a much more professional demeanor if you are dressed to impress when you sign in. You wouldn't show up naked to a b&m shop, so you shouldn't be nude on Etsy either.

6) And that brings me to my final point. There is a famous saying out there right now- What would Jesus do? I say we should use that as our guideline for forum decorum. I'll give you an example. Would Jesus laugh at the font you use? I doubt it. I mean, if he did, that's okay because he can get away with it. So my advice is, only do things that you can get away with.

I hope this has been some use to the community. We want to be as professional as possible in all our dealings. Act like you would were this a face to face marketplace. You can hide eye rolling and snickering in person by just doing it as the other person is walking away. But there's nowhere to hide online. Keep that in mind.

***Note, this thread was closed because of some stupid shenanigans near the end. But it may still be worth a read:

5 months 29 sales- here's what I've learned

1) This shit is hard, yo.

2) Every sale is like a mini hit of Ecstasy (or what I'd imagine Ecstasy to be like ;).

3) Just when you think you've figured it out, turns out you've probably effed up royally on something.

4) The forums are as dramatic and catty as Melrose Place, only most of us aren't as good looking (not you elgarbo)

5) Etsy can suck 6 hours of your life away in the blink of any eye (I'm not getting a sale today. Must... stop... refreshing...)

6) People buy the weirdest shit imaginable on etsy. Eventually, one day, someone will buy your weird shit. Promise!

That's all for now. Feel free to add your own!

This will get you to the full thread. I personally think it's worth reading as a lot more stuff came out of it than just this short list. :)


Yes, I'm back.

I know you've all been waiting with baited breath. I'm sorry I've kept you waiting so long. But frankly I've just had better things to do.

Alas, now I have nothing better to do. And frankly, as is a common theme in my life, I don't like my pulitzer quality posts getting smacked down on public forums. Here, I'm in control of what I say, how I say it, and who else gets to participate.

In honor of that:


That wasn't directed at you. I'm just testing out my new found freedom. Oh, it's like a good stretch after a work out. Feels so right. :)

I'm going to post some of my forum goodies for posterity on here. And so I have a copy should Etsy ever fold.

Rock on.