Why google can't find our Etsy shops

It's been a rough week or so, hasn't it?  Low views, low or no sales.  Google this, zibbet that.  Search bar, dollar dinar.

I'm exhausted, and I bet you are too.

But I've figured out the reasons why google can't find us:

  • The gift guides are gone.  Yup.  All of the links from google were somehow connected through the gift guides.  So for all of you who campaigned to get them taken off, thanks a freaking lot.

  • The folks at google were getting their queues for code from rokali's tweets.  They're all fucking confused now.

  • The board at google is so anti-smoking they can't support our new search bar.  They want to bury this site before it influences any of the youth to light up

  • Google's new 'caffeine' ranks sites with better pictures higher.  So yes, it is your fault that we're not being found because of crap photos.  Again, thanks.

  • It's bomobob's fault.  Don't ask he how or why.  Just trust me.  It somehow is.  (but not you elgarbo)

  • rokali is too busy filming his new reality show 'I'm a handmade celebrity, get me outta here.'  He's been sent to Staten Island to fend for himself.  Pray for his safe return.

  • Staying true to 'spring renewal' themes, google wants to keep more 'positive' sites higher in the searches.  We were all getting far too negative and google has penalized us.  So to all the positive thinkers out there, you should've been doing a better job and this wouldn't have happened.  What?  That's more negativity?  Um, okay, how about 'I'm positive if you'd been doing a better job this wouldn't have happened.'

  • It's the snowball effect. The snow was so high in many parts of the country this winter it has frozen some programmer's balls and they're out sick.  They can't keep up with googles changes due to their infirmity.  Send hot water bottle cozies immediately to rectify the problem.

  • Etsy's focus is on handmade, and this extends even to their coding.  They were blindsided when craft glue and popsicle sticks couldn't build a bridge between our shops and google.  


  1. Let's all send these to the programmers. Prevention is key.

  2. oh my god! That's perfect!!!