I love Manchester United

and often people are like, 'uh, who?'

'Manchester United' I say. 'You know, the soccer team?'

'Oooh. You like soccer? Why?'

So I've decided today to talk about why soccer is the coolest thing since microwave popcorn. Or why football is the coolest thing since the Queen's arse (British version).

Football is a lot like life. You are constantly trying to get around obstacles to achieve your goal. Other sports have this, such as American football and hockey to name a few. So why is football different?

(note any reference to 'football' shall hencewithtoforth mean 'soccer')

First of all, in football you don't get any breaks. In American football there are so many breaks they can stretch a game to last four hours. Not so in football. The game starts and for 45 minutes or so it is non-stop. You don't get breaks in life either. You are the only player in your position and so you cannot hang out on the sidelines. You can't hang out on the sidelines of life. Well, I suppose you can but only if you become a Senator, Congressman, or President of the United States.

Second of all, you aren't wearing any protection. In hockey and American football you have loads of pads on which are there to lessen the impact of the sport. Football doesn't have this. You are as vulnerable in that sport as you are walking down the street. Sure you may have shin guards on, but often that is the last place the real pain is coming from. Remember Zidane headbutting his opponent in the World Cup? Yeah, he didn't aim for the shins. And in real life, people don't aim for your shins either. Why do we have the phrase 'go for the jugular?' It's because it sounds getter than 'go for the shins.'

Third of all, people are kicking balls. Hockey doesn't even have a ball. Sure, in American football people occasionally kick balls. But that is infrequent and it's one swift kick- kind of like ripping off a band aid. In soccer, kicking balls is relentless. This is like life. There is always someone out there trying to get at your balls and give them a relentless kicking. I don't know why this is the case but I have found it to be true.

Last, in football traditionally there is no one final game like the SuperBowl which determines the champion. There's no best of seven like in hockey or even baseball. The winner is determined by who has done the best over the course of the entire season and earned the most points. Again, I think this is a great metaphor for life. There is no final exam. Your whole life is one big test. I'm still looking for the cliff notes for it. They don't exist as far as I know.

So to sum up- Football is cool because it's just like life:
1) non-stop action
2) all out physicality
3) lots of kicking balls (if it works for America's funniest home videos, why not a sport?)
4) success over the long haul gets the crown

And there are men who look like this on my team:

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