Top 20 Reasons You're Not Selling- Spring Update Edition

Are sales dead for you too? Views down? Watching your shop like watching paint dry? 

(If you answered no to any of these questions, please leave this thread now. We don't want any of your 'business is booming' comments here)

Why are there only 20? Well, many of the other list still apply. These are just the updates. 

Remember the old instructions: Print out this list, cut it up and put the slips of paper in a jar. Each day where you wonder why you aren't selling, pull one out and read it. There's your answer.

1) Healthcare. Everyone's now saving to buy a policy or pay the fine for not having one. They've got no money to spend on Etsy.

2) Allergies. It's spring time. People are sick. They've sneezed all over their keyboards, shorting them out. Can't navigate the internet. This could also be a reason why they didn't pay after buying. Keyboard shorted out on the way to paypal. Sorry.

3) Spring break. Why would anyone want to buy your wool socks when they're dancing naked on the beach in Cancun right now? Wool can chafe. 

4) Vacations. Warm weather means vacation season starts. This is related to the reason listed above but applies to all the other demographics besides hot young college students.

5) You're still not on the front page.

6) You're still not in Etsy finds.

7) They still haven't brought back the gift guides.

8) As your reunion last month proved, people in high school still don't like you.

9) And why should Etsy be any different?

10) You're not a man with a hot avatar. Go get a sex change and come back with a pic of yourself wearing a hat. Bob's your uncle.

11) There are too many shops on Etsy now. The press Etsy has gotten lately has only made this worse. How can people find your crap under the pile of other people's crap that's been dumped on top of it?

12) Resellers. Yeah, they're still here. And I don't think they're going anywhere. Might as well just rename your shop alibabasupplies and get it over with

13) Undercutters. Yup. They're still here too. In fact, it's gotten worse. What with the slow sales and the economy, people are dropping prices left and right when they already weren't paying themselves minimum wage. *virtually kicking their asses right now*... I feel better now.

14) Site Search (sponsored by Philip Morris) sucks.

15) This new grey color really doesn't go with the colors in your shop. Your items clash with it. You've got no chance. Best to start making grey inventory stat.

16) No tagline. With no tagline no one knows what the hell to look for on Etsy. Would you patronize a business without a tagline? Who would go to McDonald's if you couldn't have it your way? I wouldn't. Wait, is that Burger King? Whatever.

17) Etsy Europe. Everyone knows people with accents sound cooler. If you're just a plain old American you've got no chance now.

18) Etsy is an American site. Who cares if you've got a cool accent? We read everything you say anyway!

19) The Olympics are over. All that awesome stuff that was infringing on the IOC copyrights and trademarks is no longer hot. Better start making illegal World Cup stuff now.

20) You're being too negative. Shove a funfetti cupcake up your bum so you can start literally crapping rainbows.

1 comment:

  1. Funny, funny post. I loved it and really, who cares about sales now, when we obviously have other worries, as you have so kindly reminded us. (Note the use of the royal 'we.')

    You are bookmarked now. Be warned. I shall return.