Hollywood is officially in the shitter

I know I've complained about this before.  Many times in fact. Usually it had to do with a stupid remake (Footloose and Dirty Dancing the most wretched examples).  But Hollywood is well and truly in the shitter.  I really can't criticize it enough.  It is like the black shit that sticks to gum on the bottom of your shoe.  

Have you seen the promos for the new Snow White film?  I had already heard of this some time ago and wondered how Kristen Stewart could possibly play anything other than a depressed waif (in real life as well as films).  And yet there I read that she was to play Snow White.  Fine. Whatever.

Have you seen who is to play the evil queen?  Charlize Theron.  Um, what?  In what universe is Kristen Stewart more attractive than Charlize Theron?  Other than the Twilightverse of course.  In every photo you see of Charlize she looks like a goddess.  She literally looked like one at the Golden Globes- a Greek goddess.  If you took all the beautiful women in the world and rolled them into one uber babe it would surely be Charlize.

Conversely if you took all the crack whores in the world, rolled them into a ball, gave them nice skin and a black mini-dress, you'd have Kristen Stewart.

I'm not a Kristen Stewart hater.  I like the Twilight books.  I think she ruined the films of course.  But it wasn't that hard to ruin them.  It was like pouring sour milk on a bowl of vomit flavored cornflakes.  Even without her, the films still would've made me ill.

Yet again Hollywood you have given me a film I will not bother seeing until it's on Netflix Instant five years from now.  Yes, me, Diane.  The girl who used to go to the cinema every single weekend and actually enjoy it- you even alienated me.  

So go take your depressed Snow White and stick it up your arse.  If you need help Kristen can show you how to cope with something stuck up your backside.

Nobody has balls anymore

On Saturday night I was out with all my jet set friends- painting the town red.  We were gulping champagne and doing lines of coke off high paid escort's backsides.  It was so fricking exciting.

And by that I mean I was sat on my broken couch, snuggled up in my hooded sweatshirt watching the South Carolina primary returns.  I was surprised.  Were you?  

Here's where I admit that I have no idea who I will vote for.  Why?  Cause they all suck. I mean that.  Obama sucks.  Romney sucks.  Newt sucks.  Ron Paul really sucks.  Santorum, yeah, no.  I think the old adage 'you've made your bed, now lie in it' thing has never been more true than now.  We have made this shitty system that gives us only power hungry or deer in headlights or "i'm just making a point with my candidacy" candidates.  And every four years we have to vote for one of the morons.  

So Newt wins.  He wins pretty big.  And I think to myself, why?  He is obviously a shitty husband.  Does that make him a shitty man?  I suppose everyone's opinion will differ on that.  But it wasn't all that many years ago where a man's marital shenanigans would've immediately ended his chances.  I guess during the Clinton years we were finally all brainwashed/convinced that a man's sex life may speak of his character, but we don't care about your fucking character anyway.  Just make us rich!  Screw decency!

Anywho, as I pondered more about why Newt may have won- I mean really who would think that in this day and age the quintessential looking president dude (Mitt) would lose big to the love child of Capt. Paul Watson and Bilbo Baggins (Newt obviously- Ron Paul is Gollum)?  And I've decided it's because Newt has balls.

Now you could argue that his balls are black and/or evil.  But he's still got them.  Who else today has balls? Um, I'll take "Nobody in the fucking public domain" for $200 Alex.  

Every single politician, rock star, actor, golden globes presenter- they've all lost their balls.  I don't know if they were downsized in this crappy economy or if they've been outsourced to China.  But my friends, the balls are gone.  Newt though?  His balls are back.  Or maybe he never lost them.  Not sure.  But I think lots of people just want a President with balls again.  Or at the very least they want someone with balls to debate Obama so we get a real discussion going instead of just a 'how hard are you going to screw us oh dear leader?'

What do we need when dealing with Iran?  Balls.
What's the only way we can fix the economy?  Balls.
What's David Beckham's nickname? Golden balls.

I'm tired of Presidents who are too scared to say shit.  I'm tired of them taking polls of the electorate before they give us their opinion.  I'm tired of them bending over for either the latest Speaker of the House or the latest dictator in some desert to tell them how shitty our country is.  

We need President Balls.  Or President Scrotum.  Or President Hoonies (as my son used to call his- no idea why).

Who is that guy?  Is it Newt? I think South Carolina believes so.  

Women and children first

Unless you're that woman.

Yesterday morning I watched the tragedy unfold about that cruise ship in- where was it?  Off Italy or something? Yeah, clearly I don't have all the details.  Why?  Because the channel I was watching spent all its time letting a passenger talk, rather than giving actual details about the story.  Normally you'd think, "oh a passenger- firsthand account- couldn't get better than that, could you?"

Yes my friends, you could.  Now I'm not trying to downplay the tragedy.  It's not every day people with enough cash to take a European cruise are confronted with life and death right after a seven course meal (chicken or fish?  I had the lasagna).  Rich people tragedy at sea is so much more perilous (see Titanic).  Because all that cash is heavy and makes them sink waaay faster.

So yes I can understand why they were fearful.  But let me say if this passenger's sequined evening gown had trapped her on the ocean floor, there probably would've been a few people on the planet who would've thanked Poseidon for their good fortune.  "There were no signs in English!  There were no staff who spoke English!  We didn't have a life boat drill!  And when we got onto land no one was there to help us! Wah, wah, wah!"

1) You're taking a cruise outside of the United States.  Even in the United States we don't have everything in English.  Going outside our country to anywhere other than, I don't know, the UK, probably means NOTHING WILL BE IN MOTHERFUCKING ENGLISH! I bet you found the fucking way to the buffet though, right?  

2) The staff can change your sheets and clean the puke off your toilet without needing to speak English.  So the fact that you're on a European cruise and the staff not speaking your Connecticut dialect shouldn't be that shocking.  Did your butler book the cruise for you, and you thought that the staff would all be Brad Pitt clones?  

3) Life boat drill?  Put on your life jacket and get to the deck.  Why do we need the deckhands to feel us up (aka 'showing you how to tighten your jacket) to know how to survive a sinking? 

4) I don't know about you, but if I'm on a cruise ship that sinks, and I am lucky enough to get to land without being a dead body, I won't give a flying fuck that the cruise line hasn't set up huts with space heaters and pots of english breakfast.  I will probably just be grasping the sharp rocks and rejoicing in each stab of pain from the jagged edges knowing that the absence of pain is death and I will get to live another day to crap, metaphorically or maybe even literally (since I survived I should treat each day as my last) on all the people I come into contact with who wear name tags.  

This passenger then went on to say how the staff on Royal Caribbean and Carnival were sooo much better. Oh really, when was the last time your ship sank on Royal Caribbean?  Did they have a conga line to the life boats?  Had they set up a volleyball net on the island you were marooned on, and have an emergency supply of pina coladas?  What's that?  When you crashed on American Airlines the flight attendants were soooo unhelpful.  They were just screaming and crying and asking God for forgiveness?  You should write the corporate office!

So in summary- cruise ship sinking bad.  Some people surviving? also bad.  Having enough money to fly to Italy for a cruise and survive the sinking?  Very, very good.  Shut the hell up.

Happy fricking New Year!

Have you missed me?  No?  Shut the hell up then.  You shouldn't say not nice things to me.  I'm emotionally fragile.  

Yeah, I am out of my holiday season stupor.  You lot have no idea how hard I have been working.  Basically it was as hard as a hooker during shore leave.  Only with slightly less dignity.  

My new year's goal for this blog is to have a weekly blog post.  I had tried doing daily.  But that just ended in tears and disappointment.  And if I'm honest, mediocrity.  I think a weekly post with all my cutting edge insights is just what the doctor ordered.  And that I lose 15 lbs.  

So here's to a great start to 2012.  I'm off to buy a bunch of stuff on credit and blame the Mayans if I actually end up having to pay it off.