On Saturday night I was out with all my jet set friends- painting the town red. We were gulping champagne and doing lines of coke off high paid escort's backsides. It was so fricking exciting.
And by that I mean I was sat on my broken couch, snuggled up in my hooded sweatshirt watching the South Carolina primary returns. I was surprised. Were you?
Here's where I admit that I have no idea who I will vote for. Why? Cause they all suck. I mean that. Obama sucks. Romney sucks. Newt sucks. Ron Paul really sucks. Santorum, yeah, no. I think the old adage 'you've made your bed, now lie in it' thing has never been more true than now. We have made this shitty system that gives us only power hungry or deer in headlights or "i'm just making a point with my candidacy" candidates. And every four years we have to vote for one of the morons.
So Newt wins. He wins pretty big. And I think to myself, why? He is obviously a shitty husband. Does that make him a shitty man? I suppose everyone's opinion will differ on that. But it wasn't all that many years ago where a man's marital shenanigans would've immediately ended his chances. I guess during the Clinton years we were finally all brainwashed/convinced that a man's sex life may speak of his character, but we don't care about your fucking character anyway. Just make us rich! Screw decency!
Anywho, as I pondered more about why Newt may have won- I mean really who would think that in this day and age the quintessential looking president dude (Mitt) would lose big to the love child of Capt. Paul Watson and Bilbo Baggins (Newt obviously- Ron Paul is Gollum)? And I've decided it's because Newt has balls.
Now you could argue that his balls are black and/or evil. But he's still got them. Who else today has balls? Um, I'll take "Nobody in the fucking public domain" for $200 Alex.
Every single politician, rock star, actor, golden globes presenter- they've all lost their balls. I don't know if they were downsized in this crappy economy or if they've been outsourced to China. But my friends, the balls are gone. Newt though? His balls are back. Or maybe he never lost them. Not sure. But I think lots of people just want a President with balls again. Or at the very least they want someone with balls to debate Obama so we get a real discussion going instead of just a 'how hard are you going to screw us oh dear leader?'
What do we need when dealing with Iran? Balls.
What's the only way we can fix the economy? Balls.
What's David Beckham's nickname? Golden balls.
I'm tired of Presidents who are too scared to say shit. I'm tired of them taking polls of the electorate before they give us their opinion. I'm tired of them bending over for either the latest Speaker of the House or the latest dictator in some desert to tell them how shitty our country is.
We need President Balls. Or President Scrotum. Or President Hoonies (as my son used to call his- no idea why).
Who is that guy? Is it Newt? I think South Carolina believes so.