Summer is coming.
Yeah, I can see why Game of Thrones used winter. Cold. Frozen. Hard. Unforgiving. The imminent arrival of summer doesn't inspire the same level of dread- what with its sunshine and breezes. Unless... You're a parent.
With your kids getting out of school, use of the phrase "summer is coming" is like saying the wildlings are headed toward the wall. In this case though, one is a horde of violent, impulsive, verging on cannibalistic, devoid of civility, bribe taking mercenaries... And the other is the wildlings. The wall is your house- especially any room or chair you want to be in. The children may not be sophisticated, but like the wildlings, they outnumber you and smell weird.
While the real estate agent neglected to tell you that your home didn't come equipped with a giant scythe, she did say it's illegal in your state to lock your kids out and pray for reinforcements. I think arrows and hot oil are also no no's, but check with your local municipality to be sure.
Oh, I'm being slightly unfair. My children would never actually eat other people. But if I went away for a month, and no one was cooking for them, I think the cats should be nervous.
|This is where my daughter keeps the severed heads of her victims... to snack on later.|
Still, with summer on its way I figured I'd share my tips for surviving the season. Note, I do not guarantee these are all legal. Or helpful. Just... tips.
- Make your children do chores. Yup. You read that right. Get them up. Get them out of bed. Make them work. Just because it's summer doesn't mean they should be on vacation. When the hell do you get a vacation from their runny noses and farts? NEVER! Have them garden. Have them sweep. Have them clean the privy. Make them churn the butter. I don't care what century you're living in. Kids are just small humans. And humans were made to do shit. Literally and figuratively. Give them a list each day and a time within which it must be completed. You'll never get to be the dictator of a third world country. But by gosh you are the despot of the third world shithole you have a mortgage on. Use your power.
- Start drinking. I am not advising anyone to become an alcoholic. I just advise you to kick back. Have a cocktail a couple of nights a week. Make them fancy if you want. Pretend you're in Mad Men if it helps. Adults need adult beverages. Throw the children one juice box and make them fight over it while you laugh.
|Dark N Stormy- a portion of dark rum topped off with ginger beer (like ginger ale but oof strength). Try one. Trust me.|
- Kick the kids out of the house. Really. Now of course this might depend on their ages as if they're too young, you could end up with a mugshot (though that would be sort of badass). Use your own best judgment on this one. Oh, our kids spend so much time on their computers and phones and kindles and blah, blah, blah, blah, FUCKING BLAH! WHY DO YOU THINK THEY DO THAT? HUH? BECAUSE WE FUCKING LET THEM!!!!!!!!!!!! Remember, you are Saddam Hussein* and your house is Iraq. No bitches be frontin unless you allow that shit to go down. Send the kids outside. Give them some supplies. Maybe sidewalk chalk. Or a ball. Or some water guns. Or real guns.** And let it be all Falllujah in the yard while you lounge in your presidential palace. *Note this should not end with you being hanged. But keep all rope and gallows away from your children as a precautionary measure. **Don't give the kids real guns you moron.
|Can you see the fear in his eyes? I got this.|
These tips might sound like common sense. But all too often I see parents complaining about their children and what they do or don't do. I'm no saint. My kids aren't perfect. But for fuck's sake I'll be damned before I let some midgets who share my DNA act turn into adult fuckheads. We have enough of those already.
Being a parent is a big responsibility. And during the summer we can't count on the government to ruin our children like they do the rest of the year. When school is out we are on our own against the Joffreys we've sired (not the incest bit). They are just waiting in their little rooms with their little crowns and little crossbows. And since you don't have any poison, you need other weapons in this battle. Stand fast my friends. Summer is coming.