I literally can't take this misuse of literally

I spent literally all day and night thinking about the misuse of the word "literally".  I must've heard people use it incorrectly literally a million times.  And every time I hear it used incorrectly, I literally go ape shit.

Do our English teachers literally not give a fuck anymore?  Or are they literally just checked out of their jobs?  

I swear, it is so annoying I feel like literally ripping someone's head off.  I will literally kick their head clear to the other side of town.  And then I will literally drink a thousand bottles of beer while I literally laugh my head off.

After all, these people who speak so poorly literally don't deserve to live.  They literally bring society to a standstill with their devolution of the English language.

And I am so sick of it I literally puke my guts out on a regular basis.  I mean do we literally have to take it up the backside with their ignorance?  Can't we just put them all on an island and literally bomb it into the stone age?

I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking, there's no way she literally means this shit.  And you'd be right.  Of course I don't.

I literally don't mean all this.  Well, I do literally loathe the people who use the word literally incorrectly.  But I would just figuratively murder them.  And then I'd figuratively go to jail and would figuratively be someone's bitch.

And that would literally suck.