Or am I just getting old? Okay, don't answer that bit. It's not polite. Let's just take a walk down memory lane for a moment.
Now let's go straight to hell.
Pile of Puke
Now, when I heard about this Footloose remake, I thought about fleeing the country. Then I remembered that films are international and I wouldn't be able to escape. I suppose I could go to the barren parts of Tunisia or something. But I'm not that pissed off. I am close though.
I know that they say everything's been done. Got a great idea? Yeah, someone else had it first. Trust me. And I know they remake films in some ways all the time. Truthfully, if they had taken the story of Footloose and just renamed all the characters and not used the title, we could be watching one of a dozen recent dance themed films. But no. The bastards had to go and take our pride and joy. Our moment of pop culture magnificence. And you do not fuck with Kevin Bacon. That is just too damn far.
As I was stewing over this yesterday evening the cursed trailer for the new version came upon my television. I convulsed. I trembled. I hit a pillow. I killed a puppy. Metaphorically. I took a few breaths in and out and realized that the world isn't the same anymore. Nothing is sacred. Everything is dumbed down. Hell, in the remake they have to actually show us the fiery wreck that caused the banning of dance. In the 1980s we didn't have to see the carnage to get the point. For fuck's sake.
Once the fog began to lift I realized something even more sinister. Yes, more sinister than replacing the crazy eyed, queen of heroin chic Lori Singer with bubblegum crotched Julianne Hough. I realized that I am just getting old. In fact, if I wanted to go deep- George Michael's ass deep- I could even compare my distaste for the remake of the film with the distaste the parents of the Footloose town (who remembers the fucking name anyway) had for dance and fun.
And it hit me like a ton of fucking bricks. I am now saying shit like "they just don't make films like they used to" and "they ruin everything that made our generation great" and the worst one, "this was better with Jimmy Stewart". Okay, that last one is what my mom would say.
But to be brutally honest, I'd rather have a living snake shoved up my ass than see Dennis Quaid play John Lithgow's character? John Lithgow as a small town, conservative preacher? Yes! Dennnis Quaid? The dude played Jerry Lee Lewis. And he married his adolescent cousin. Not Dennis. Jerry Lee. My point is I just don't see it.
Oh, and then there's Chris Penn. Good old Chris Penn. Chris was the normal Penn, may he rest in peace. Who is the douche bag playing his part? If they hired Sean it would kind of be funny. But instead they hired Miles Teller. I don't know who he is either, but I bet his brother didn't marry Madonna. And that's enough of a reason for me not to like him.
Lest we forget the original's amazing soundtrack? Tunes and scenes like this:
Kevin going batshit crazy in a warehouse
I just can't see the new kid doing air guitar in front of his crotch as artfully as Kevin. I bet he won't smoke either cause now that kills us. This new kid will probably dance in a greenhouse full of organic produce, and chug down a pomegranate smoothie before he grinds to a rap track. There's no air guitar in rap people! And you certainly can't angrily smash a biodegradable cup against the wall of a greenhouse very convincingly!
Okay, I'll stop ranting. But my bottom line is this:
There is a time for every purpose under Hollywood. A time to laugh... and a time to weep. A time to remake... and there is a time to not fucking remake. And there was a time for using someone else's ideas, but not anymore. See, the 80s were our time. Remembering the 80s is our way of celebrating life. It's the way it was in the Goonies. It's the way it's always been in The Breakfast Club. It's the way it should be now with Footloose.