Report just in!

Sources say that being on the FP does indeed help with sales. Though details are sketchy at this point, it appears that being on the FP daily leads to increased views and often sales.

"We can't state at this point at what level it helps, but we're certain that it is better than not being featured," says John Dingleheimer of the Front page Association of Research Technicians (FARTs for short). 

Sally Sizzlestick, a marketing director from Omaha said, "Sure, there is no guarantee of sales. But 9 out of 10 say that when they expose themselves, people take notice. And the FP is a lot of exposure."

Specialists urge the community to not make hasty decisions to get on the Front Page. "The FP is cutthroat. And we've got enough trouble on our hands with all the yarn bombing and sneak attacks going on in the community," Sheriff Mad McMadder stated at a press conference late Friday. "And let's not forget about the massive amount of sellers who fell off the face of the Earth this past spring. We still have missing persons reports out."

Updates from law enforcement are expected early next week, but until then members of the community are advised to stay indoors and cover windows with granny square afghans. If you must venture outside, please do so in designated Etsy teams and make sure you wear bright orange cowls so you can be seen at night.

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