Sometimes you just need to stop talking to your husband

Why? Because sometimes your husband deserves it. I won't go into some laundry list of what crimes against wife humanity my spouse has committed. We all know what they might be. Lying, cheating, stealing, changing the channel during Real Housewives... all are on equal cold shoulder footing to me. 

The result is still the same. Just. Stop. Talking. I know, this may not seem like a punishment. Men go around claiming we all talk too much anyway. Isn't this rewarding them? Nope. It's not. Why? Well there are two reasons. One, they're sort of stupid and don't realize they should perhaps enjoy this. And two, because it usually means dinner will be delayed or perhaps not even magically appear. 

You see, to our husbands we are like fat and hairy versions of the tooth fairy. We don't collect teeth. We take more valuable things than that, like their youth and dignity. But in return we give them clean clothes, cooked food and half the chromosomes to satisfy their god given desire to spread their otherwise utterly useless seed. We are the tooth fairies for adult men. Sometimes we even wear cute little dresses and nearly smother them with the pillow while we're looking for something. 

And sometimes the tooth fairy needs to shut the fuck up. Cause a tooth fairy that just stands there staring without saying a word is the stuff that nightmares are made of. Next time you'll watch Real Housewives. Oh yes. Next time you'll even like it bitch.

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