The worst product ever

Folks, sit down.  Are you sitting?  I have discovered the worst product ever.  Worse than saw dust baby food. Worse than lightning rod boxer shorts.  Yes.  I know that seems implausible.  But it is the case.

Here it is:

Bic.  Which in Latin means "piece of crap".

I am not a razor snob.  If anything I am the opposite.  I'm like a razor, well, what is the opposite of snob? Egalitarian?  Razor egalitarian sounds preposterous.  Whore? Razor whore.  Yeah, that's probably more appropriate.  I will use any razor.  I'll go with mens, womens, baby razors, if they make them, etc.  I am a razor slut.

I am also frugal when it comes to razors.  So I'm a cheap whore basically.  No really.  One time I got a bunch of free Intuition razors.  You know the kind with the soap/lotion bar around it so you don't need shaving cream or lather to shave?  Wow, they were awesome- especially while camping.  But when I saw how much the cartridges were I never bought any.  I am not going to go to the register and get a bill total of $20 for fucking razors.  No. Way.

Anywho, I got these cheap Bic Silky Touch razors for a few dollars at Target.  My God (said with that expression that people always use in films when they realize the world is going to end).  They are totally awful. They do the exact opposite of what you want the product to do.  Sure, they are sharp and will actually cut down hair.  But you won't ever get to find out for yourself.  Why?  They are the slipperiest motherfuckers of all time.  

Now, I can only imagine no one even tested these items.  If they had, they would've immediately realized that soapy hands + this razor = total pandemonium.  I don't have any grip deficiencies.  In fact, my grip is quite strong after years of crochet.  I am like the fucking Incredible Hulk of crochet in that regard.  If my hands were big enough to wrap around a big building I bet I could turn it to dust.  And yet I cannot keep these bastard razors in my hand.  I just sort of end up on the floor of the shower crying, covered in lather and getting hairier.  

This is yet another example of society going downhill.  Companies aren't even trying anymore.  No testing, releasing any piece of shit they want.  Why?  We're a captive audience.  We are hairy and we need razors. They have us by the hairy balls.  Jesus, don't try to shave those with these razors.  You'll never be able to have children.  One slip and it's curtains.

I hear the square tire is coming out next (better gas mileage as you can't drive anywhere).  Followed quickly by the macrowave (food takes longer than a conventional oven).  Personally I'm waiting for the genetically engineered broccoli that is fattening.  At least then I can have a good excuse not to eat it.



3 comments:

  1. Speaking of dealing with horrible companies this morning... Do not shop JKM Ribbon. It amazes me as a small business owner how little companies care about their customers. The same negligence they show us as a consumer would ruin us if we acted the same way as a small business!

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  2. From one razor whore to another...I feel your pain! Thanks for the early morning chuckle...for I too have had some "hairy" run ins with faulty razors. ;)

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  3. I recommend magic powder, much nicer than shaving. it also confuses the postman when it's delivered in an envelope marked "shaving product for back men" cos he knows nobody of that description lives here.

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