And they say we should admire nature

But it happens in nature!  Or this doesn't happen in nature! You always hear this shite.  Oh, but no other species would ruin the planet like the humans?  Oh yeah?  You can bet your sweet arse if a horse could drive a car it would.  And it would be a big fucking truck that burned LOADS of fossil fuels because a horse can't fit in a SMART car.

Oh, and how about how in nature animals chase each other, go for the jugular and then eat their prey raw!?! Think about that next time you're walking down the street and someone brushes by you to get across the intersection.  While doing so, they elbow you in the ribs without even a heartlessly whispered, "Sorry" and you think, "You goddamned bastard." But really, you should be fucking grateful they didn't run up from behind, sink their teeth into your neck and start feasting on your innards.  Yup.  Nature does that.

So it was awfully nice of this nicety nice nature to put its wonder on display outside my kitchen window this morning:

Deader than a doornail. 

Yup.  The bird bit the dust.  Sort of like Elvis on the toilet.  If this bird were wearing pants, I have a feeling they would have been around its ankles.

Point being- what is so great about nature?  I can only figure one of three things.  Either the bird ate itself to death because nature gave it no internal alarm when presented with mounds of free food, or this was some kind of Squirrel Mob hit (this bird now sleeps with the fishes).  Or, worse yet, it had a heart attack and keeled over right there.  The poor thing had a mouthful of food in its death stroke.  Imagine going out like that?  One minute you're in the booth at McDonald's enjoying a rare treat of farmed beef slathered in thousand island dressing, and the next you're ass up in the ball pit.  The high school aged manager comes along to poke you with that little broom and dustpan they sweep the floor with, just to see if you might be conscious, even though you've already shit your pants and are drooling something the color of fruit and walnut parfait after its been mixed together.

Okay, so I'm going off topic a little.  I guess what I mean to get across to you is that nature is no better.  And if it were, what's separating us anyway?  We ARE nature.  We are part of it.  So if we decide to murder someone without eating him or her, or if we I don't know, fill the planet with so many toxins we suffocate ourselves, guess what?  NATURE FUCKING DID IT!  We're not androids. We are nature.  Nature is us.  We are as natural as Mother Nature McNature from Natureville, winner of the Queen of Naturally Naturific Nature Center.  

You can't have it both ways folks.  Either we are nature, or we aren't. And if we aren't, what exactly are we made of?  Legos? And nature sucks.  Just ask that little bird.  Well, you can't he's dead.  And somewhere in the woods behind my house.


  1. I've been saying this for years -- of course, not as eloquently as you said it. Nor as graphically.

    (your blog is the one I can count on to make me spit coffee at my monitor -- thanks for that)

  2. I hope it's good coffee. I only want people to spit good coffee.

    If you spit bad coffee, it might be because it tastes horribly, not because of my mental hilarity.

    Here to please!

  3. Did Somebody mention Elvis?

    About the cardinal. Maybe it flew into the glass. They are notorious for flying into windows. But that still doesn't explain the food in it's mouth. Unless it flew into the window, was dizzy and dazed and choked on it's food.

  4. Ya coulda composted him/her...