Why the 80s were better

I am a child of the 80s.  I wasn't born in the 80s, but I grew up during the decade.  I remember very clearly being awakened for school most days with my brother blasting Jessie's Girl by Rick Springfield or some random Billy Joel song.  I remember when Billy Joel was cool. Yup.  I remember when Uptown Girl was edgy. 

But why were the 80s better?  It dawned on me yesterday.  I listened to some 80s music on youtube and it prompted me, as it does, with plenty of other 80s tunes.  I realized that in the 80s we still had choices about what we could be and not be penalized for it.  Confused?  I was at first until I thought of some clear examples:


In the glorious 80s:


Good girl

You didn't have to be a slut to be a pop star in the 80s! Imagine that!  You could be wholesome and still be famous.  I know, it seems too good to be true, but it was in fact true! 

Also notice that Tiffany, while still gloriously slutty, is fully clothed!  You didn't have to be nearly naked to be a slut!  It was still based on the way you acted, not how you dressed!  Can you believe that?  It was freaking insanity back then!

Further, look at Debbie's Amish hat.  You could wear religious garb and not be considered dorky.  Nobody made cracks about, 'hey girl, where's your horse and buggy?'  or 'shouldn't you be at home churning something?'  Nope, she could wear that hat and be free from religious persecution of all kinds.

In the glorious 80s:
Notice his bald head has been cropped out

Your muscles make me sick

In the 1980s, you could look middle aged and still be uber famous.  I think Phil Collins was born bald.  Well, many of us are.  You know what I mean- I think he was born balding.  And with glasses.  Sort of like a little Monopoly Man.  But because of his musical genius he was lauded as the true cheesy talent he is. 

Today we have Justin Timberlake.  I'm not criticizing T-dog.  I don't even know what T-dog means, but I thought it sounded young and hip.  Justin sings and dances and in certain light is good looking.  He is uber cool.  Sure he's talented, but what if I prefer my pop stars with little hair and complete lack of rhythm while dancing?  I don't have a choice anymore! 

These days we're are forced to look at hot people all the time.  They're shoved down our fricking throats.  Tits, arse and well toned oiled pecs are the order of the day.  Sure, Justin Timberlake may have a cute butt but will he write a lyric as memorable as Sussudio any time soon?  Oh I doubt it.  He's too busy dating women equally as hot, if not hotter than he is.  He's spending all his time banging chicks instead of writing classics like Against All Odds.  Give me the balding dude any day.  Or at least give me the option of the balding dude.  Or at least give me a pop star who is around long enough to start balding!

All I'm saying is give peace a chance.  Wait, that's from the 60s.  No, what I'm saying is we built this city on rock and roll.  And I can feel it coming in the air tonight. I think we're alone now.  There doesn't seem to be anyone around.  You don't have to put on the red light.  But wake me up before you go-go.

What do all those song lyrics have in common?  Not written by people hot enough to be around today.  Folks, our focus on hotness is forcing us to lose other stuff.  Stuff like, oh I don't know, talent.  Don't let this happen people.  

The 80s were the best because they were the last decade where you didn't have to have breast implants to be famous.  They called it the "me" decade, but was that so bad?  I think now we're the "look at me" decade and that's so much worse.  The shit people will do so others will look at them is beyond all comprehension. And it's getting to be so everyone just looks alike.  We're sort of like the Stepford Wives.  But at least they were good wives.  We're just all idiots dressed like sluts.  We're sort of like the Stepford Paris Hiltons.

The 10s are looking to be a pretty shite decade.  I wish I could go back to the 80s.  Let's just make Ronald Reagan's corpse President and force Molly Ringwald (yes, gingers could be famous in the 80s too) to make lots of teen angst films.  I don't give a shit that she's probably 40 now.  Okay, we can have her make 40s angst films.  Whatever.  Just make sure she wears lots of pink, and is either always a snotty rich kid, or an independent thinking teenage type. 

Oh well, I guess I'll just listen to this until the 20s roll around. 


  1. "We're sort of like the Stepford Paris Hiltons" may be the most brilliant thing ever written.

  2. I came here to read about crafting...but this was sooo much funnier. You made my day :)

  3. You make what you can with the time you're in. Personally, I'm gonna enjoy rattling these Puritans' cages and bringing in the new Roaring '20s.

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