Top 10 Reasons You're Not Selling on Etsy.

1) Etsy. It's all Etsy's fault. Yes, even though they are the reason you were ever selling, they're also the reason you're not selling now. 

2) All the changes on the site. I mean come on, how are sellers, let alone buyers going to be able to keep up with all the changes? Things used to be on the left that are now on the right; pictures are now better quality; coupons codes- the list goes on. It should all just go away. When people only had three channels on tv they all watched the same shows. All this newfangled stuff... get off my lawn!

3) The weather. It's so fricking hot. Who wants to be inside in the cool air shopping on one of their ten devices from which they can access the internet? No way! They want to be outside sweating their balls off instead. Especially since Etsy keeps changing everything. It's less effort to dehydrate oneself and get heat stroke and die on the tennis court.

4) Resellers. The problem's just getting worse, eh? I know, there aren't any resellers flogging anything even remotely close to what you're selling. But still, they're taking away your business! Maybe if buyers hadn't spent their $20 on a clearly hand carved metal pocket watch, they would've spent it on your hand sewn sleeping mask! Bastards!

5) The FP and Etsy Finds repetition! God, I loathe this issue with a passion. But it needs to be addressed. All of the Etsy shoppers are buying what's on the FP every single day. Yes, the same people who would buy the set of nesting dolls would be interested in your cock rings, but because they saw those in the Finds, well, they're not interested in your shop anymore.

6) Admin. Yup, they hate your guts. Which admin? All of them. From the "admin" who change the color of the font on the pages, to the "admin" who organize the lunchroom in Brooklyn, they all know you and HATE YOU! They've all banded together to make sure no one ever sees your shop again. Even you. What you see is like the Matrix. It's a loop of your shop being shown over and over again, but not your actual shop. Your real shop is sitting in a pool full of goo, hooked up to some weird ass machines that make it think it's a real live shop on Etsy.

7) The economy. Yeah, I got nothing. The economy really does suck. 

8) The new forums. All your sales used to come from people who saw you in the forum. Now that the forum is boring, you don't visit and many others don't as well. So now they don't see you and you don't see them and nobody sees each other. And then nobody buys from each other. Which is odd when you think about it, because you're here reading this thread right now. So...

9) Your photos really do suck. It's not just a rumor. When you read this don't assume, 'Oh, she doesn't mean me.' Yes. Yes I do.

10) You're not on the right treasury team. Guess what? Lots of these people still don't sell anything. So no worries there. But if you want to work your arse off making treasuries and still not sell much, oh, do be my guest. You can meet lots of great people who can give you lots of advice on how to not sell much too! Yeah, I guess this isn't really a reason you're not selling. More of a, yeah, don't bother. You aren't selling now, and you won't be selling afterwards either.

Have a great day!


  1. Loved this when I read it in the forums today, and worth another read. This is funnier now that I got a sale yesterday, after a 6-day dry spell. Life is good again.

  2. You know the day when I came home from work and sat in front of the computer for an hour doing who-knows-what after I took my bike-ride-kicked-my-ass bike ride... and then when to bed because I literally began to doze with my fingers on the keyboard?
    Yes, the day I did nothing. I sold 4 items that day.

    None of it will ever make sense.

  3. omg, totally made my morning. hilarious!