The Miniature Olympics

Are all of you watching the Olympics?  I am. I love them.  I have watched them all my life. And I always think that if sports like handball or synchronized diving were televised regularly I would watch them.  Probably not though.  But I like to pretend to be that generous of spirit when saying things publicly.

Something has struck me with these latest games.  I'm sure it's not a new development but it's something I never really noticed before.  Olympians are massive.  Not necessarily very wide, though some are.  I mean they are effing tall.  That is to be expected when dealing with the best of the best of sports as in most athletics extra height gives you an advantage.

If anyone wants my sunglasses I'll list them on Ebay for you.

And this, my dear friends, is discrimination (you know I only write when I'm peeved about something so don't act all surprised).  It's plainly discrimination.  As plain as the 'petite' written on all my pants.

Before you go and say 'oh well, suck it up.  These athletes are the best and tough titties if you're not the best because you're not 84 feet tall.'

Oh, you would be sooo wrong by saying that to me.  Not to mention a little bitchy.  Check yourself before you I smack you.

We have other olympics tournaments.  We have the Paralympics which is for athletes with physical disabilities.  We have the Special Olympics for athletes with intellectual disabilities (that description is from their website before you scoff- I know if it's intellectual disabilities why isn't Paris Hilton the all time champion?  Got me.).

Why then can't those of us who are short get our own Olympics?  I can't compete against those amazon volleyball players or runners.  I certainly don't have a chance in swimming when their bodies are practically twice the length of my own.  It's elitist I tell you.  It's heightest.  

In fact, I would go so far as to say that the IOC hates short people.  If not, why would they exclude us in this way?  Make no mistake, they are excluding short people.  If they were trying to include us they'd add sports like 'who can touch their toes the fastest' or 'who has the smallest shoe size.'  Yeah, I know those aren't real sports at this time.  But you're missing the point.  The point is that the IOC is a hate filled organization.  And that hate is spelled 'tall motherfuckers.'  

They don't even let short people work at the Olympics.  We could never hang the flags from the ceiling during the medal ceremony, for example.  We also can't reach up to put the medals around the tall athletes.  And when was the last time you saw a cauldron that wasn't hundreds of feet in the air?  The IOC is playing a constant game of monkey in the middle.  And who's the monkey?  The short people.  They are calling us monkey.  That's totally racist too now that I think about it.

To sum up:  

Being tall helps you in sports.

I'm not tall.

That is why, the ONLY reason why I am not an Olympian.

The IOC hates short people.

I demand they have a Miniature Olympics for all of us short arses.  Not the midgets though.  They can have their own.  Cause midget Olympics would be fucking awesome!  

Let's revisit an old friend.

This is my best selling item.  I sell shit loads.  See what I did there? I said 'shit'.  And guess what?  I'm still a professional.  Oh yes.  Somebody stop me.

Because I said so.

The creation of this cozy was inspired by all the douches out there who say if you do 'xyz' you're not a professional.  Of course xyz is the substitute for any number of things their small little minds have conceived to denigrate your behavior.

Here are some examples:

1) If you swear you're not a professional: I think I prove that wrong time and again.  I thank you. 

2) If you are humorous you're not a professional:  Somebody tell that to all the presidents whose entire administrations have been jokes.  

3) If you don't act like I do you're not a professional: Sorry but I don't think an asshat matches my outfit.

To sum up, professionals come in all sizes and colors.  I think we can all agree.  Well those of us who aren't morons would.  Sure we may not all act exactly the same but that's a good thing. Because a world full of most individuals I meet would be like the Matrix sequels.  A complete and utter disappointing letdown covered in pleather and arrogance. 

That's a bit shit 8

It's not fall yet.  

Kiss my ass summer.

Cooking dinner when you're tired.

Knowing that I'm too old to ever be an Olympian.

Is random flatulence an event yet?

The tale of the 4th chair

Does anyone still have one of these?  The lonely fourth chair?  You know the one I mean.  The one that gets pushed up against the wall so no one could even sit in if they wanted to?

Who invented this?  Probably the same person who never picked me for the kickball team in gym class.  How did he pitch this idea?

"You see sir- we'll sell a table with four chairs.  But then, we'll make the table big enough that in order to allow a single person room enough to cook they'll have to shove the table up against the wall.  So they'll be paying for four chairs when they'll only ever use three!  If they need a fourth they'll just grab the little stool from under the telephone. Stupid bastards! (evil laugh, evil laugh, evil laugh)"

"Ingenious" said the money grubbing furniture manufacturer.

When you consider it, there are a lot of things that are like this fourth chair that never get used.  The pan at the bottom of your stack of pans.  The stop sign in a deserted industrial development.  The diaphragm in the Duggar's medicine cabinet.  

And I feel sorry for these items.  Looking all lonely and getting dusty.   But they're sort of the lucky ones, right? They stay young while everything around them ages.  That chair is pristine.  No backside has ever dented it.  No marinara has ever dripped on it.  When Grandma dies and you move the table away from the wall during the estate sale, the chair is a perfect example of 1960s design and function.  And then you can sell it for shit loads on Ebay.

What's the moral of the story?  When you're feeling desperate enough to sell your ass for money, remember the tale of the 4th chair.   It's a better investment to keep your ass to yourself.  

And the Chickfila stuff brought this to life

 

I think I have found my new calling. Short, pointless, ecards. If you think about it, it was an obvious next step from painstakingly embroidering short, pointless stuff.