Women and children first

Unless you're that woman.

Yesterday morning I watched the tragedy unfold about that cruise ship in- where was it?  Off Italy or something? Yeah, clearly I don't have all the details.  Why?  Because the channel I was watching spent all its time letting a passenger talk, rather than giving actual details about the story.  Normally you'd think, "oh a passenger- firsthand account- couldn't get better than that, could you?"

Yes my friends, you could.  Now I'm not trying to downplay the tragedy.  It's not every day people with enough cash to take a European cruise are confronted with life and death right after a seven course meal (chicken or fish?  I had the lasagna).  Rich people tragedy at sea is so much more perilous (see Titanic).  Because all that cash is heavy and makes them sink waaay faster.

So yes I can understand why they were fearful.  But let me say if this passenger's sequined evening gown had trapped her on the ocean floor, there probably would've been a few people on the planet who would've thanked Poseidon for their good fortune.  "There were no signs in English!  There were no staff who spoke English!  We didn't have a life boat drill!  And when we got onto land no one was there to help us! Wah, wah, wah!"

1) You're taking a cruise outside of the United States.  Even in the United States we don't have everything in English.  Going outside our country to anywhere other than, I don't know, the UK, probably means NOTHING WILL BE IN MOTHERFUCKING ENGLISH! I bet you found the fucking way to the buffet though, right?  

2) The staff can change your sheets and clean the puke off your toilet without needing to speak English.  So the fact that you're on a European cruise and the staff not speaking your Connecticut dialect shouldn't be that shocking.  Did your butler book the cruise for you, and you thought that the staff would all be Brad Pitt clones?  

3) Life boat drill?  Put on your life jacket and get to the deck.  Why do we need the deckhands to feel us up (aka 'showing you how to tighten your jacket) to know how to survive a sinking? 

4) I don't know about you, but if I'm on a cruise ship that sinks, and I am lucky enough to get to land without being a dead body, I won't give a flying fuck that the cruise line hasn't set up huts with space heaters and pots of english breakfast.  I will probably just be grasping the sharp rocks and rejoicing in each stab of pain from the jagged edges knowing that the absence of pain is death and I will get to live another day to crap, metaphorically or maybe even literally (since I survived I should treat each day as my last) on all the people I come into contact with who wear name tags.  

This passenger then went on to say how the staff on Royal Caribbean and Carnival were sooo much better. Oh really, when was the last time your ship sank on Royal Caribbean?  Did they have a conga line to the life boats?  Had they set up a volleyball net on the island you were marooned on, and have an emergency supply of pina coladas?  What's that?  When you crashed on American Airlines the flight attendants were soooo unhelpful.  They were just screaming and crying and asking God for forgiveness?  You should write the corporate office!

So in summary- cruise ship sinking bad.  Some people surviving? also bad.  Having enough money to fly to Italy for a cruise and survive the sinking?  Very, very good.  Shut the hell up.